Everyone has visions about how sex “should” be.  These ideas may have come from our friends, something we saw on TV, or perhaps these ideas were from experiences at the beginning of your current relationship, or previous relationships.  No matter where you developed your beliefs about “true sex”, it may be something quite different.

Here are the biggest sex myths:

  1. “Exciting sex must be spontaneous.”

Yes, maybe when you first met your partner some time ago or perhaps in your favorite Sharon Stone movie.  More likely, in a long-term intimate relationship, it is difficult to find time to de-stress and relax much less have sex.  Our daily lives get in the way, with work and/or children responsibilities, making it really hard to have spontaneous sex.  However be assured “Exciting sex “ does not need to be sacrificed. Sex can be exciting even when planned.  Many couples have found it helpful to simply plan an uninterrupted erotic date at least once a week.  Give it a try!

  1. “Sex has to last for hours in order to be great.”

This may be true in the porn movie business but actual penetrative sex usually lasts anywhere between 2-7 minutes.  There are always exceptions to this but for the most part this is normal.  Now if we include foreplay and outercourse, sex can last much longer.   Keep in mind most women need an average of 20 minutes to have an orgasm, so lots of foreplay is crucial.

  1. “ Making out always leads to sex.”

This puts way too much pressure on everyone.  Pressure leads to negative sexual thinking down the road.  What ever happened to just being with your partner and going with the flow? In the book Enduring Desire, Metz and McCarthy state that research has shown that the most satisfying sex is flexible and playful.  Try just making out and see where it leads instead of automatically thinking it will go somewhere.

  1. “If I didn’t have an orgasm, then it wasn’t good sex.”

No one has an orgasm every time they have sex.  The expectation to have an orgasm every time only leads to disappointment and unnecessary pressure.  Sex is not about the orgasm but rather the connection and closeness.  Just because you don’t have an orgasm doesn’t mean it was not good.  Many men and women have pleasurable sex without orgasms, and report it is about affection and intimacy that made it satisfying.  Try thinking about pleasure rather than performance.

  1. “I shouldn’t have to tell my partner how to satisfy me in the bedroom, they should just know. ”

This is one of the most common myths of all.  Everyone gets caught up in pleasing their partner that they automatically believe that there partner will know how to please them.  Partners cannot read minds!  Remember you are responsible for your own pleasure and the best lovers are taught, not born.

We all can get carried away in these untrue beliefs about sex in our relationships.  Long-term satisfying sex is not always simple and automatic.  Intimate sexual relationships build satisfaction gradually and progressively.  If you are having difficulties in negative thinking in your relationship, please know you are not alone.   For more help to build intimacy and sexual satisfaction in your relationship, schedule an appointment with a therapist who specializes in relationships and sexual health at Center For Change & Well-Being.